Let me tell you a secret.
When I was a kid, I’d always wanted to have a photoshoot done for myself – you know the kinds that models have? That one.
I think as teenagers in India, so many of us had these little fantasies of becoming actors or models, but I must admit I was a bit more glamour-struck than many others. I would pore over magazines like Filmfare, Cine Blitz etc., trying out different outfits and looks and deluding myself to believe that some director/producer was going to discover me one fine day.
As a largely shy, introverted girl growing up in small-town India, I did have my share of rebellious days. So I signed up for the Miss Calcutta contest on the sly and was selected to participate in the finals. Utterly naive with no clue of how to dress up or walk the ramp, I was rejected in the first round itself.
But I did get noticed and a photographer from a reputed magazine called me up to take some pictures for being the Femina cover girl. So, once again, I ran around the city making surreptitious trips to pose for his camera.
The Unhappy Ending
Then the fatal day came when I returned from school to a deadly silence and cold glares at home from all family members. I was informed that I’d be grounded and could only go out with the driver (the protective guy took his job rather seriously). Getting in touch with the photographer was forbidden. I still managed to and he seemed very scared of the threats my family had endowed upon him. So that was the end of my exciting modelling career.
But! There’s this other thing that I had always wanted to do! Travel alone.
Dreaming, Continued!
Ever since I met this Dutch girl on a train to Delhi, I’d harbored a strong wish to travel on my own. And in my 40s, I fulfilled both my unrealized desires.
With the former – I’d realized pretty quickly that I’m not model material. Even though I did have my photoshoot – finally! – and I really did enjoy it, I don’t like posing much. No, it’s not going to be a portfolio but the pictures are something I’ll look at with pride when I’m in my 70s.
The latter? Well, I’ll say I’ve got hooked! The emancipation, the empowerment and the liberation – so delicious!! No price can be attached to any of those feelings.
I’ve had girlfriends say they’ll join me next time but I wouldn’t want it that way. That’d beat the purpose. The joy of chatting up with strangers from all walks of life, exploring things that you’d not do as a family, deciding on your schedule without having to take anyone else into consideration – indescribable freedom!
But Wait. It’s Not Over Yet!
I suppose we all have a big list of unfulfilled desires of things that we couldn’t do in our teens and twenties owing to various circumstances. Then came marriage and motherhood for many of us and those desires took a back seat or died.
But do they really die?
I don’t think so. I think they raise their heads once we get time to breathe again freely in our forties and fifties. Then there are desires that we develop; new ones that come with the way we evolve into our own selves.
Since we are also grappling with this (false!) sense of time ticking fast for us, the urge to fulfill these wishes and wants gets stronger.
Yep, I’m Talkin’ ‘Bout Sex.
I’ll name the elephant in the room. Let’s talk about desires that get labelled dark but are as real and pure as any other need of ours.
Even with physical desires, there are many kinds – ranging from the desire to be chased and wooed again, to experiencing lust again and even to trying out different sexual partners or different kinds of sex.
There are women who are tired of vanilla sex and want good S&M, there are women who want mindless sex, some want sex with younger men. There are all kinds of kinks we wake up to when we step into our 40s!
The Sky’s the Limit Now!
Whatever your unfulfilled desires might be – from bungee jumping, paragliding, running a marathon, attending a painting/pottery workshop, learning a new language, starting a new business, travelling to some place you have always wanted to – travel to your inner self first.
It sure is a great feeling to be able to realize dreams but at times they might call for a lot of time, energy, and a financial investment that you might not have at disposal. At times, these desires might change us in a way that might not be conducive to living the lifestyle we’ve led so far.
But don’t let those dreams die! Find a way to make them happen, even if they happen in different or diluted ways, because there IS a sense of happiness that comes from ticking off lists.
Just do yourself a favour and choose to set aside any of the guilt you might feel.
