You know what’s funny?
Too many (Indian) women of our generation never had the opportunity to live on our own. We went from living with our parents to living with our husband’s families or with our husbands.
We never got a break or even a proper transition between these roles unless we had lived in a university hotel. Most of us didn’t get to live in a shared flat in a different city like many young girls these days do once they get a job. And live-in relationships were these scandalous setups that we saw (and maybe even secretly wanted?) in American soap operas.
Meanwhile, there were quite a few of us who weren’t waiting to get married; and we fantasized about having a little flat to ourselves and managing a little household all by ourselves.
I remember having this calendar with pictures of European cities and I was extremely fascinated by a picture of Amsterdam with its canals and bikes and I used to dream about having a job there and living all by myself in a little attic flat facing a canal, carrying home the shopping, cooking, reading, sipping wine in the evening….you know how that goes 🙂
The Curve Ball
Well, life doesn’t really have the habit of following dreams and so I was one of them who never got to live on my own. But the wish continued to haunt me and I never gave up on it.
So one fine day, when our daughter decided to fly the nest to go to university (I was quite thrilled, I must say), and I was at a crossroads, and here’s what was going on:-
- I was thinking about “what next”
- I was bored of my teaching-languages-to-adults-in-a-community-college job
- I expressed the wish to my family to go to India to try being an entrepreneur and live on my own for some time.
Yep. When I was at my crossroads, that old friend of a thought came right back.
When I spoke to my family about wanting to live on my own, I was pleasantly surprised. We didn’t really have a long discussion and matters were settled rather fast. I realized I was blessed to have a family who appreciated the “woman with the gypsy soul” at home.
Getting Started By Myself
When I left to live on my own, I had enough money saved up from my job and I could manage well with it, but that was the least of my problems. Finding a flat wasn’t that easy in Delhi NCR.
Ah, why Delhi NCR and why not Kolkata, my hometown? I knew Delhi well from my 3-month sabbatical leave when I taught with Teach For India. I also had friends who would help me in my new venture and most importantly, I didn’t want to be close to my family in India who, I knew, would bombard me with questions.
Believe me, I had to face some rather unpleasant questions from flat owners owing to my “married yet single” status but I was prepared for them.
Here’s a small sampling of some of the other intrusive comments I was told, especially by family and friends:
- Are you guys breaking up?
- How did your husband let you do this?
- He’s letting you do this? Aren’t you lucky!
- Seems a bit decisive, this living away from family? After all, you’re not really the boss of a global bank, and they’re the sort of people who usually do “stuff like this”.
- How will he (my husband) manage the household and cooking after a demanding work routine?
- Awwww! Your poor hubby! It’s gonna be tough for him.
- Is this a millennial kind of marriage?
- Getting ready to live like a bindaas teenager again?
How did I deal with all of this? On the inside, I laughed.
But on the outside, I became a stoic as far as the questions were concerned. I never even felt the need to justify.
The only remark that used to get my goat was “he let you?”
I had major problems with the word “let” and I still do. It reeks heavily of me being my husband’s possession and implies a concept of partnership that I abhor.
But with time, I stopped getting worked up. I realized it’s hard for people to look beyond the known rules set by society, let alone question them.
So How’d it End?
In the one and a half years that I set up base in Gurgaon, I changed as a person. Or rather, I evolved faster.
Sure, there were times when things got tough. There were external conditions I couldn’t control, so instead of getting worked up about it, I worked on changing my attitude towards the challenges.
I tried hard to not to let them get to me. And here’s what I learned.
- I learned to observe people and judge them better to avoid being taken for a ride.
- I figured out I could actually give back with the right words if the situation demanded.
- I learned to take care of myself and felt I owed myself a lot of self-love.
- Even though there were moments when I felt down, I became a lot calmer as a person.
- I definitely stopped asking “why me” like I was prone to do before.
What’s also happened is that a sense of detachment grew inside me; a Zen-like detached attachment to things and people. Because, as it turned out, I really loved being on my own.
I felt this immense peace engulf me when I returned home, put the 3 locks on the door, showered, had dinner and climbed into bed with a good book or to meditate.
Have I grown more egoistic or selfish in the process? No. And I feel complete in myself with a lot more love in my heart to give. But yes, I have become highly selective of where to give this love.
At the end of the day, I feel it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever taken for myself. But to this date, I’m still trying to understand whether my detachment is a good or a bad thing. Does it have to be either? What do you think?
